by Kiki Nelson | Apr 21, 2017 | Animals, Ettiquette, Uncategorized
This week’s question comes from Susan in Virginia:
“What is the best and most polite way to ask for someone to host me for a few days? I’m traveling to the Phoenix area to visit my mom in a nursing home. I used to live there and became friends with a neighbor and even did some pet sitting for him on more than one occasion. His cat and I love one another dearly. I even did a light vacuuming while he was gone for a week at a time. After we moved to Virginia, we stayed in touch and I find I’m going to be back in the Phoenix area in 2 weeks, and hotels and AirBnB are a small fortune after paying for a flight and rental car to go see mom. Is there a nice way to ask to use his spare bedroom without coming off as rude or pushy? If he says no, I’m OK with that. I want your expert opinion before I ask him. Thanks for your advice.”
Great question and one I have both asked and received.
There are two basic approaches.
Inform the prospective host of your upcoming trip and suggest getting together for a drink, cup of coffee, or lunch. If he responds to your correspondence with an invitation to stay at his house, great. If not, you need to be willing to follow through with your get together and pay for it–which is why I suggest an inexpensive visit rather than dinner. Even if he does not take the bait, it may lay the ground work for future visits.
The second option is to simply come right out and ask if you can stay at his home. I would keep it very simple with something like, “I will be in town to visit Mom at the Shady Pines from April 20 to the 24. I was hoping I might stay with you and Mr. Fuzzy Whiskers. I can fend for myself for meals but would like to treat you to dinner one night. Please feel to decline my request, no explanation needed and no hard feelings on my part. There is plenty of time to make other arrangements. If you are not up for hosting, perhaps we could still get together for a visit?” I would not mention the expense factor.
These suggestions are predicated on two basic assumptions: 1) you really enjoy the potential host’s company and genuinely want to spend time with him; 2) you are confident he won’t take this as a romantic overture. That would be awkward at best, cruel at worst.
I hope this helps and you’ll let me know what happens.
Side note: I know how difficult it is to have an elderly relative in a nursing home. Visits are bitter sweet and can be emotionally draining for both parties. We all need to support folks who have had to make this tough transition.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 19, 2017 | Ettiquette, Holidays, Host, Hostess
What’s worse than overzealous security personnel on a United Flight? Little Bunny Flu Flu!
Little Bunny Flu Flu,
Hoping through the air ducts;
Jumping on the passengers;
And giving them a bug!
My husband came home from a trip to Colorado with some extra baggage, a really nasty virus. That left me to take care of him and prep for Easter weekend and a cabin full of houseguests, one of whom was a Home Ec teacher. This wonderful lady actually made a career out of home making and is really good at it. She does not judge, but I can’t help making sure my home is extra polished for her visits. As if that isn’t intimidating enough, she’s also an amazing cook. Here’s what she brought for the weekend:
- Homemade cheese;
- An assortment of meats;
- A bundt cake;
- Two dozen pastries;
- Fruit Salad;
- Green Salad with homemade dressing;
- Pierogis;
- Asparagus-feta tarts;
- Shrimp ceviche;
- Two bags of thick-cut potato chips;
- Butter in the shape of a bunny; and
- A Partridge in a pear tree!
This doesn’t even include a wide assortment of beverages both alcoholic and nonalcoholic. As you can imagine, this lady is in high demand as a house guest. She and her husband are booked months in advance.
My husband managed to rally a bit by the time the first guest arrived, but was still pretty weak so I volunteered to drive with one guest to the Easter vigil at the Catholic Church on Saturday night. That sucker lasted two and a half hours. There must have been a lot of grace going on in there.
When we got home from church at 10:00 pm, we found the oldest and youngest cousins had discovered my stash of Easter candy for the next day and were hunched over it like zombies with a particularly plump corpse. Did I mention these cousins are 26 and 49? Apparently they also tucked into the stash of Gin, because they thought this whole scene was hilarious!
The good news is we all had a fantastic time with great conversation, great food, an amazing session of star gazing, and a lot of laughter. This Easter was another hosting opportunity that made me truly grateful for the blessings of my family and friends.
The bad news is, as that last guest pulled out of the driveway I felt that tell-tale tickle in the back of my throat. I now have the flu. Thanks a lot Little Bunny Flu Flu.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 14, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
“Sorry Dude. Not a good time for a visit.”
I got more comments regarding my Easter post on Wednesday than any other post so far. Thank you! However, I didn’t get any questions for my Friday Question of the Week. According to the book Blogging for Dummies, it’s important to be really honest with your readers. So rather than cheat and make up a question, I will expand on my first “Best Practice” of hosting. By the way, Blogging for Dummies by Amy Lupold Bair, is a really good place to start if you’re interested in blogging. I am not being paid to promote this book.
Best Practice #1 (See my first post for all of my Best Practices for both hosts and house guests)
Your ultimate responsibility is for the safety and well being of the family and household you have created. This doesn’t mean you can’t be gracious.
Who, what, when, and how you allow guests into your home is totally in your control. If you are not feeling it for any reason, it’s OK to say “no.” For those of you who have a hard time with this word it is pronounced “NO”. In some cases, as in potentially dangerous situations, it’s your responsibility to say no. And you don’t need to give a long explanation that can be challenged. A simple “I’m sorry but that’s not going to work for me.” Is all the explanation needed.
“But Kiki,” you might say, “If I say no to a visitor it will hurt their feelings and may damage a friendship or a family relationship.” Yes, I suppose that’s true. But consider this, what’s going to damage your relationship most in the long run, gritting your teeth and being on edge during a visit…or saying no and skipping the resentment?
This also might be a good time to set some limits with friends and family. My mother-in-law had a bad habit of inviting people to stay at our home without asking us first. Probably the worst offense was when she called and announced she had purchased four tickets to fly to Colorado with three of her young grand children and stay with us for a week! My husband was out of town for most of their visit, and I had two small children of my own. I distinctly remember waking up with my head in a laundry basket because I was so worn out by the end of their trip.
That’s not to say I did not welcome these kids, I really did. I am blessed with amazing nieces and nephews most of whom have stayed at my home for scheduled visits. But my mother-in-law should have asked first so we could set a better time. Had I said “I’m sorry but that’s not going to work for me. In the future please check with us first,” things might have been quite different going forward. The blame here was mine and my husband’s for not putting our family first.
I guess the bottom line is, don’t be a martyr to hosting. If you know anything about official martyrs, they’re generally not a barrel of fun. If you say “yes” to guests when you’d rather say “no”, your resentment will show and put a damper on the visit.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 12, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
The Blessing of the Baskets
I was not raised as a person of faith. The closest thing to an Easter miracle in my house was the invention of Peeps. My husband was raised a Catholic and when we got married we agreed to raise any children we might produce as Catholics. We did produce children, two of them, and we did raise them as Catholics from Baptism to Confirmation. At the age of three when we taught our daughter the sign of the cross she dutifully repeated, “Fader, Son, and Hobie’s Ghost.” Hobie was our dog. Whether or not the training “stuck” is my children’s story to tell.
Along the way I learned a great deal about Christianity, Catholicism, and organized religion in general…but that is for another blog. Suffice it to say, there are some beautiful traditions that help to illustrate Christian ideals, one of which is the Blessing of the Baskets.
I was introduced to the Blessing of the Baskets by my sister-in-law whose Catholic faith has provided her with a great deal of sustenance in good times and bad. The bad times include the loss of a child. It was the power of her faith that convinced me to keep our promise to the Catholic Church. I saw the strength it gave her and her husband, and hoped it would be a resource for my children.
The Catholic Blessing of the Baskets is especially popular among Polish Americans. Traditionally it includes the following items: eggs to symbolize new life; bread for sustenance; meat to symbolize Christ’s victory over death; horseradish to acknowledge that in life one must accept the bitter with the sweet; vinegar for the bitter wine that Jesus was given on the cross; salt for its ability to preserve; cake to represent the sweetness of life; and butter in the shape of a lamb to watch over the basket and proclaim life over death. The food is usually prepared on Friday and taken to church on Saturday to be blessed. It’s a short ceremony that is not considered a mass and does not include communion.
We have celebrated Easter with my sister-in-law and her husband in Central Pennsylvania for the past few years and they have invited me to attend the blessing.The first year was especially memorable. The priest had just began the service when someone’s cell phone rang. It was the priest’s phone, which he dug out of his vestments and answered. “I need to take this,” he explained, then disappeared into the hallway. Needless to say I was gobsmacked by this turn of events.
When the priest came back a few minutes later, her explained that a young priest had just lost his mother and was in dire need of comfort and advice. Then the priest went on to bless the baskets. He also asked us to pray for firefighters with whom he would be visiting later that day at the local station. He talked about their sacrifice for the greater good and their ability to overcome fear, much like Christ. Again, I was gobsmacked. It just so happened that my son was in training to become a professional firefighter. Along with a few tears, these words gave me a great deal of comfort and pride.
I guess the lesson here is, when you’re a guest in someone’s home and they invite you to take part in a tradition (religious or otherwise) give it a chance. You might get more out of it than you expect.
Thank you for visiting and Happy Easter,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 7, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
My Question of the week comes from Charles in Virginia.
“Any words of wisdom for someone traveling with their significant other? My girlfriend and I are very serious, but not yet married. There is always an awkward moment when arriving at someone’s house, especially that of an older relative, where I wonder whether I’m meant to put our bags in the same room or not. On the flip side, as a host, when is it not ok to impose your sensibilities on your guests?”
Here are my thoughts for the house guests; If the host prepares two separate spaces, you use them both. Their house, their sensibilities. One way to address the suitcase dilemma, is to stand there holding your bags and wait for the host to direct you to your room(s), which they will do eventually unless they want you to sleep in the entry way. Often a host will prepare two spaces and tactfully suggest you don’t have to use them both. When in doubt use them both!
Here are my thoughts for the host/hostesses; Your house, your sensibilities. No need to make a fuss or start citing scripture, just show them to their room(s). There is a slim chance the guests are more comfortable sleeping separately, which happens to us a lot with married couples. I provide a pillow and blankets for the comfy couch in the family room just in case. We have a large sectional couch that is famous in these parts and known as “couchasaurus,” because it is large, grey, and swallows you whole while you’re watching TV.
Any thoughts from my followers?
Thank you for visiting and I’ll have my Easter post on Wednesday.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 5, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
I was fortunate to learn a valuable lesson about the opportunities presented by awkward moments during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. A hot guy moved into the neighborhood and, by some miracle, I found myself walking home from a baseball game with him. This was my chance to showcase my sparkling personality before the cheerleaders had the chance to wow him with their pom poms.
I had just heard some hilarious Helen Keller jokes at the baseball field and was regaling Hot Guy with my rapier wit. Before you judge me, this was back in the day when PC stood for popcorn. Hot Guy laughed appreciatively…then told me both his parents are deaf. Being the mature 14-year-old I was, I replied “Holy crap! You’re kidding me, right?” No, Hot Guy was not kidding me.
Over the next few years I had the privilege of becoming close friends with Hot Guy, who also turned out to be Great Football Player Guy, Very Smart Guy, and Very Nice Guy. We necked a few times but never became an item. For younger followers who aren’t following my cool lingo, just Google “neck,” “to neck,” and “necking as a gateway to heavy petting”.
In his wonderfully patient and charming way, Hot Guy taught many of his classmates to look beyond our prejudices and preconceived ideas about people who are different than we are. We attended a brand new high school where the student body was surprisingly free of racial prejudice, which was not necessarily true of all the parents. I wonder now if Hot Guy played a part in our attitude of acceptance.
So, you may ask, “Kiki, what does this have to do with hosts and house guests?” Well, if you’ll just be patient, I’ll tell you. Geez!
I have experienced many similarly awkward situations, where insensitive comments had the potential to offend. These situations were most often addressed with anger toward, or shaming of, the offender. Hot Guy taught me, by example, that overly negative responses to insensitive comments are a lost opportunity to change attitudes with grace and information. As hosts, hostesses, and guests we’re in a unique position to facilitate positive exchanges by realizing that offensive comments are often fueled by ignorance and habit, not hate. Houseguesting provides an opportunity to respectfully challenge others to appreciate the struggles of those who are different than we are.
I was a guest in Hot Guy’s home the day Elvis Presley died and we watched the coverage together on TV with his family. With tears streaming down her face, his mom signed something. Hot Guy looked at me and said, “She wishes she could have heard Elvis’ voice.” Lesson learned.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
