by Kiki Nelson | May 12, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
Today’s question is prompted by an anonymous follower who says, “I’d love to hear more factual tips and tricks to hosting.”
First of all a disclaimer, I don’t claim anything on this blog is “factual” except for the address. When I do use “facts” from subject experts they are referenced, usually with a link for more information. In these days of Fake News, Alternate Facts, and Optics (whatever that means) I want to be painfully honest about the material I am disseminating.
With that said, how about some tips on Guest Accoutrements? Or Stuff to Have on Hand for House Guests. This does not include food. That’s for another post.
When my husband and I first set up housekeeping in our “garbage level” apartment, guests were lucky to get a spot on the floor and directions to McDonalds. Strangely enough we still had A LOT of company. Must have been the cable. As we matured, along with our guests, we were able to offer better accommodations.
For beginners, remember you are doing someone a favor. There is no need to go crazy with a bunch of stuff you don’t normally keep on hand and will never use again. At a minimum, you need to offer a place to sleep that is as quiet and private as you can provide along with clean linens and towels. If you cannot provide these basic things, you should let the guest know in advance so they can make arrangements. For instance they may need to bring a sleeping bag or their own pillow, and that’s OK. You should also leave a note on paper with your address, phone number, and—if you trust this guest—you internet access code.
Once you get more established (and have accumulated freebies from enough hotels) there are things you can add to that list. Here’s what Adele from Arkansas suggests:
“Provide a place for their suitcase, some empty horizontal space for them to set out their things, an empty drawer and some empty closet space with hangers, an empty small basket or two. Provide shampoo, conditioner, blow dryer, toothpaste. Have a few feminine products available just in case. Be prepared to provide just about anything—in case their luggage didn’t make it– hair brush, deodorant, new toothbrush (I always have plenty from my trips to the dentist). Have a lined and covered trash container in the bathroom (so that your dog does not get into their trash). Put a container of water and a couple of glasses in their room. Have a throw blanket handy. Be sure to ask if there is anything that they need. Make sure there is a variety of bed pillows – some folks like firm, some like soft and some need an extra pillow for their knees. If possible provide a place to sit and read in their room for when they need some peace and quiet. Provide a radio that is easy to turn on, change channel and set alarm. And, very important, provide some kind of night light so that they can safely find their way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.”
Whew. She’s good!
For the advanced host, I would add to that list: noise machine; flashlight; and brochures from local attractions.
If Adele and I have forgotten anything please let me know in the Comments section below.
Thank you for visiting and I’ll be back on Wednesday with House Guests and Graduations.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | May 10, 2017 | Ettiquette, Holidays, Host, Hostess
My dad was unintentionally hilarious. He once asked me, in all seriousness, “Where do we keep the ice cream?” Another time he ate a bag of gerbil food at my sister’s house thinking it was granola. Google “Absent Minded Professor” and you may just find a picture of my dad looking confused. While my sainted mother was usually able to find humor in my father’s cluelessness, there were times when it wasn’t so funny.
One Mothers’ Day when my sister and I were far too young to understand the concept, my father found my mother out in the yard pulling weeds and weeping into the dandelions. When he asked her why she was upset, she informed him that it was Mothers’ Day and he’d done nothing to mark the occasion. He replied, “Well, you’re not MY mother.” They had no more children.
I assumed this male duh-factor was attributable only to my father. Then I got married.
My husband was at a work event and chatting with a young man who had recently become engaged. He told my husband the wedding was set for June of the following year. My husband replied, “My wife and I were married in June too.” The young man asked, “What date?” My husband said, “ June first.” The Young man said, “That’s today.”
So two generations of clueless men… coincidence or evidence based trend? Then I had a son.
One day when he was in college he called me from the Verizon store. “Hey Mom, (he always starts with “Hey Mom”). I need our account password to update my phone. “No, problem honey,” I replied. “The password is my birthday.” Pause… pause… pause…from my son’s end of the line. Then he says, “What do you mean it’s your birthday?” I say, “You know, the day, the month, and the year. Like you fill out on a form.” Pause…pause…pause. After a few more moments of pure evilness on my part, I let him off the hook and gave him the password. I’ve come up with far more sophisticated passwords since then, like the dog’s name or my address.
I’ve heard there are men who remember such events without being reminded by their spouses or Hallmark. Kind of like unicorns or flattering swimsuits. And I’m not saying that male spouses and offspring don’t have other attributes, like opening jars and sticking up for you in bar fights. Perhaps I just expect too much?
There was the Mothers’ Day I spent in a hot crowded emergency room tending to my own mother, then came home to find my husband, daughter, and son had redecorated the alcove in my bedroom to look like the beach houses I love. Or my first Mothers’ Day when I came home after a night shift to find my baby daughter fat, happy, and sleeping soundly. There were also flowers, but the gift that year was having a husband who could love our child and participate in her care as much as I did.
Yes, it’s the mothers, wives, and daughters who keep the wheels oiled on the social locomotive. Who do you think came up with Mothers’ Day in the first place? But when they remember, the partners in parenthood do get it right sometimes, and get it right in a big way.
As for me, my daughter and I will Skype and my son is taking me out for brunch. Might be a good idea to make reservations Bud. It’s the busiest day of the year at restaurants.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | May 5, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
Question of the week…
The Question of the Week is from Diane, “How do I not offend guests who don’t want to use pronouns that we are used to using (they prefer gender neutral pronouns) It is very difficult for me not to say him or her and it feels very awkward to use they when it is only one person.”
As long as we’re talking grammar, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to that wonderful first-year English teacher who put up with my shenanigans for a full year. I think she also managed to teach me a little grammar in spite of myself. But please don’t check too closely.
One day in Seventh grade she was diagraming sentences and I got bored. So I decided to time how long I could hold my leg out straight in front of me under my desk. We had one of those huge clocks with a sweep hand. After about ten minutes, she looked straight at me and said, “Perhaps we could concentrate on our thigh muscles later?” This of course is waaaaaay less embarrassing than when one of my best friends was waiting for the bell to ring so she could pass gas. Unfortunately the bell did not drown out her fart but highlighted it. Kind of like a cymbal crash. I never use first and last names without specific permission, so I will refrain from using that sainted teacher’s name. But if you’re out there and read this, I sure would love to hear from you.
According to the Oxford Dictionary: Pronouns are used in place of a noun that has already been mentioned or that is already known, often to avoid repeating the noun. For example:
Kate was tired so she went to bed.
Michael took the children with him.
Kieran’s face was close to mine.
That is a good idea.
Anything might happen.
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/grammar/pronouns
So here’s my take; according to Oxford, Webster, and my seventh grade English teacher, the use of gender-specific pronouns is still acceptable. So I think it’s still OK to use them without feeling homophobic. As I have said before, it would be a much more hospitable nation if folks just assumed that the vast majority of people in the United States do not mean to offend with their speech or any other action. To correct someone for an accepted pattern of speech may actually do more harm to a cause than good, and bolster negative stereotypes. It might be better to concentrate efforts on bigger fish such as overt or covert discrimination.
Here’s an example; a very good friend of mine has a daughter with Down’s syndrome. This friend is also a Special Education teacher. When our state’s legislature was considering a bill that would replace all references of “retarded” in state code with more politically correct terms, I asked how she felt about it. She said, “I don’t care what they call her, just fund the programs to help her!”
There is no question that some words need to work themselves out of our language. This has already happened in my lifetime and it’s a good thing. But I’m not sure pronouns are the place to start and I’m not sure shaming and embarrassing people is the way to do it.
Please feel free to agree or disagree with me in the comments section below.
Thank you for visiting.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | May 3, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
This past weekend we were invited to the vacation home of friends in the Blue Ridge Mountains. On Saturday we went for a hike and while scrambling down a fairly steep and rocky path, a voice said, “Now close your eyes.” What!? Then our hostess said, “Damn, that’s my meditation app!” I can see the headlines now, Woman Falls to Her Death While Being Coerced to Meditate on Steep Mountain Trail; Lawsuit Being Considered. When the app continued to nag at her our hostess said, “Boy, she really wants me to meditate.” Our hostess explained that she gets so busy she has to be reminded to relax.
This lovely woman (cheekbones to die for) and her husband have extremely demanding jobs and all the social obligations that come with such jobs. They purchased this weekend home for the express purpose of getting away together and chilling out. This visit to their beautiful weekend home gave me the perfect opportunity to invoke one of my Best Practices for House Guests, Give Your Host Downtime and Privacy. “But Kiki,” you might say, “if they invited us don’t they want to spend time with us?” Yes, they do, but not every minute. No one is that interesting. I have had guests that attach themselves to my hip and quite literally stood at my counter and stared at me while I was trying to prepare a meal. No, go away.
There’s a fine line between giving your hosts downtime and ignoring them. Here are some ideas:
- In the morning, unless you’re on a schedule, linger in your room a little longer than you might normally at home.
- Take a walk.
- Bring lots of reading materials. If you’re tucked in to a novel, it gives your host the option to start a conversation…or not.
- If you knit or crochet, bring it with you. For your host, your project is both an opportunity for down time or a conversation starter.
- You can also fall back on one of my family favorites, take a nap. Naps are the new black.
- Offer (do not insist) to do the dishes and suggest your host relax with a cup of coffee.
- Television is an option but it is the host’s prerogative, not the guest’s. Televised sporting events create chances for folks to wander off for a spell and do their own thing.
- Be careful about spending too much time on your phone as it can give the impression that you prefer the company of people who are NOT there.
I have one frequent house guest who does daily yoga and invites her hosts to participate…or not. I would refrain from relaxation apps because you might fall down a mountain and that would NOT be relaxing for your host.
If you have any other suggestions, I’d love to hear them. The Comments Section is below.
Thank you for visiting.
Kiki
Photo courtesy of https://www.visitroanokeva.com/things-to-do/blue-ridge-parkway/hiking-trails/
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 28, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week, Reunions
The Question of the Week comes from Ellen in Virginia.
“I recently attended a reunion weekend of some of my college sorority sisters at a lovely beach house that one of the “girls” had rented. There were about 15 of us there, and it was great to see everyone after over 30 years! Two of my sorority sisters are now obviously and openly a lesbian couple. (I didn’t know about this until arriving, and I didn’t say anything to acknowledge their relationship because I just didn’t know what to say. This was a taboo topic when we were all in college in the 1970’s). What advice do you have, if any? I felt like I should have offered some kind of congratulations, but didn’t want to say the wrong thing. Help!”
My first thought is that all of you have the same generational perspective. These ladies are well aware of the taboos you all grew up with and have had to face them on a regular basis. I would wait for an opportunity when you can speak to one or both of them in private, acknowledge that you are feeling a little awkward, and say you are genuinely glad they are in a loving supportive relationship.
I also want to take this opportunity to reach out to my younger readers to help them understand that, like Ellen, most baby boomers are pretty accepting of healthy relationships regardless of gender or race. In fact most of us are truly happy that folks can now live honestly from an early age. It avoids so much pain and nonsense. While we welcome this healthy societal change, it is still relatively new to us and we need you to understand that we may not always react as naturally or nonchalantly as you do. So please, give us the benefit of the doubt and help us out.
I think the lyrics below from the album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
sort of sum it up.
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mm, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends.
_________________________
From the album Sgt. Pepper’s
Lonely Hearts Club Band
Thank you for visiting.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 26, 2017 | Diet, Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
We recently hosted a dinner party for seven people. These were the specs:
2 Gluten Free
2 Vegetarians
1 Pescatarian
I served ice water. Actually I served homemade pasta sauce over gluten free noodles with a green side salad and fresh berries with almond milk for dessert. I cooked up some shrimp on the side and added it to the pasta sauce for those of us who don’t mind eating something that had a face while we shovel it into our own faces. My guests brought complimentary dishes like gluten free rolls, brussel sprouts that had been processed into losing all their identity as brussel sprouts, and delicious cookies. I must say it was a pretty good meal.
The aspect of this hosting experience I’m highlighting today is the Gluten free guest. For this post I spoke to the proprietor of AnnaB’s Gluten Free bakery in the Richmond, Virginia area Www.annabglutenfree.com I will refer to her as GF.
It’s fair to say there is some confusion about gluten. Is avoiding it just a fad? Is it a real health concern? Is it potentially dangerous? The answer is yes. GF explained there are basically three types of gluten free eaters: those who believe gluten is inherently bad for humans and choose to avoid it; those who have sensitivity to gluten and develop stomach or headaches; and those who have Celiac disease. GF discovered her daughter had Celiac disease after she failed to thrive as a young child. For those diagnosed with Celiac disease, eating gluten is like eating a slow-acting poison. “It is an autoimmune disease,” says GF. “The gluten protein in wheat, barley, and rye (Oats are included because of cross contamination with wheat) inflames the small intestine which stops the absorption of nutrients. If you don’t follow the diet there are serious consequences including cancer.” For more information, Google it! I’m not a doctor you know.
What’s a hostess to do? GF says most people/parents affected by Celiac travel with their own food and food prep necessities. “There is no need to ask a host to retrofit their kitchen,” says GF. “Reynolds wrap is your friend. Things can be grilled or baked using it. Paper plates work great. I’ve been known to take pots and pans with me.” In other words, someone with this disease is used to fending for themselves. However, there are some things a host shouldn’t do: don’t take it personally if your guest brings their own food; don’t bring attention to it; and don’t accuse the person/parent of being a “fussy eater”. This actually happened to a Celiac patient I know whose mother-in-law ostracized her at the family’s beach week because she was being a “diva” about the food they served. Where is a good rip tide when you need one? “Oh dear, Mother Gilbert is being carried out to sea…what shall we do? Let’s throw her this giant hoagie roll and some donuts!”
Regarding the second two types of gluten free diets; those who chose not to eat gluten, and those who have a sensitivity to it. It’s always nice for a host to inquire in advance, but it is the responsibility of the guest to speak up about any and all dietary restrictions. I have actually heard more than one person say something like, “I can’t believe they served chicken salad! Don’t they know I’m on a low-cholesterol diet!” Listen, unless you’re staying with Carnac the Magnificent, get over yourself. Perhaps you’d like to take a little swim in the ocean with Mrs. Gilbert?
If forewarned, I think it is reasonable for the host to provide a gluten free option at each meal. It’s not that tough and it might be a good learning experience. If you want to provide an entire meal GF recommends, “Baked chicken with potatoes and carrots is a winner here. Or baked pork chops, potatoes, and applesauce.” Mmmm, sounds good. “Gluten free has come a long way,” says GF. “There are many more options now in grocery stores and at restaurants.”
Those options include items from Anna B’s Gluten Free bakery, including the yummy muffin featured above www.annabglutenfree.com I thank the proprietors for helping me with today’s blog.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
