by Kiki Nelson | Apr 14, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
“Sorry Dude. Not a good time for a visit.”
I got more comments regarding my Easter post on Wednesday than any other post so far. Thank you! However, I didn’t get any questions for my Friday Question of the Week. According to the book Blogging for Dummies, it’s important to be really honest with your readers. So rather than cheat and make up a question, I will expand on my first “Best Practice” of hosting. By the way, Blogging for Dummies by Amy Lupold Bair, is a really good place to start if you’re interested in blogging. I am not being paid to promote this book.
Best Practice #1 (See my first post for all of my Best Practices for both hosts and house guests)
Your ultimate responsibility is for the safety and well being of the family and household you have created. This doesn’t mean you can’t be gracious.
Who, what, when, and how you allow guests into your home is totally in your control. If you are not feeling it for any reason, it’s OK to say “no.” For those of you who have a hard time with this word it is pronounced “NO”. In some cases, as in potentially dangerous situations, it’s your responsibility to say no. And you don’t need to give a long explanation that can be challenged. A simple “I’m sorry but that’s not going to work for me.” Is all the explanation needed.
“But Kiki,” you might say, “If I say no to a visitor it will hurt their feelings and may damage a friendship or a family relationship.” Yes, I suppose that’s true. But consider this, what’s going to damage your relationship most in the long run, gritting your teeth and being on edge during a visit…or saying no and skipping the resentment?
This also might be a good time to set some limits with friends and family. My mother-in-law had a bad habit of inviting people to stay at our home without asking us first. Probably the worst offense was when she called and announced she had purchased four tickets to fly to Colorado with three of her young grand children and stay with us for a week! My husband was out of town for most of their visit, and I had two small children of my own. I distinctly remember waking up with my head in a laundry basket because I was so worn out by the end of their trip.
That’s not to say I did not welcome these kids, I really did. I am blessed with amazing nieces and nephews most of whom have stayed at my home for scheduled visits. But my mother-in-law should have asked first so we could set a better time. Had I said “I’m sorry but that’s not going to work for me. In the future please check with us first,” things might have been quite different going forward. The blame here was mine and my husband’s for not putting our family first.
I guess the bottom line is, don’t be a martyr to hosting. If you know anything about official martyrs, they’re generally not a barrel of fun. If you say “yes” to guests when you’d rather say “no”, your resentment will show and put a damper on the visit.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 12, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
The Blessing of the Baskets
I was not raised as a person of faith. The closest thing to an Easter miracle in my house was the invention of Peeps. My husband was raised a Catholic and when we got married we agreed to raise any children we might produce as Catholics. We did produce children, two of them, and we did raise them as Catholics from Baptism to Confirmation. At the age of three when we taught our daughter the sign of the cross she dutifully repeated, “Fader, Son, and Hobie’s Ghost.” Hobie was our dog. Whether or not the training “stuck” is my children’s story to tell.
Along the way I learned a great deal about Christianity, Catholicism, and organized religion in general…but that is for another blog. Suffice it to say, there are some beautiful traditions that help to illustrate Christian ideals, one of which is the Blessing of the Baskets.
I was introduced to the Blessing of the Baskets by my sister-in-law whose Catholic faith has provided her with a great deal of sustenance in good times and bad. The bad times include the loss of a child. It was the power of her faith that convinced me to keep our promise to the Catholic Church. I saw the strength it gave her and her husband, and hoped it would be a resource for my children.
The Catholic Blessing of the Baskets is especially popular among Polish Americans. Traditionally it includes the following items: eggs to symbolize new life; bread for sustenance; meat to symbolize Christ’s victory over death; horseradish to acknowledge that in life one must accept the bitter with the sweet; vinegar for the bitter wine that Jesus was given on the cross; salt for its ability to preserve; cake to represent the sweetness of life; and butter in the shape of a lamb to watch over the basket and proclaim life over death. The food is usually prepared on Friday and taken to church on Saturday to be blessed. It’s a short ceremony that is not considered a mass and does not include communion.
We have celebrated Easter with my sister-in-law and her husband in Central Pennsylvania for the past few years and they have invited me to attend the blessing.The first year was especially memorable. The priest had just began the service when someone’s cell phone rang. It was the priest’s phone, which he dug out of his vestments and answered. “I need to take this,” he explained, then disappeared into the hallway. Needless to say I was gobsmacked by this turn of events.
When the priest came back a few minutes later, her explained that a young priest had just lost his mother and was in dire need of comfort and advice. Then the priest went on to bless the baskets. He also asked us to pray for firefighters with whom he would be visiting later that day at the local station. He talked about their sacrifice for the greater good and their ability to overcome fear, much like Christ. Again, I was gobsmacked. It just so happened that my son was in training to become a professional firefighter. Along with a few tears, these words gave me a great deal of comfort and pride.
I guess the lesson here is, when you’re a guest in someone’s home and they invite you to take part in a tradition (religious or otherwise) give it a chance. You might get more out of it than you expect.
Thank you for visiting and Happy Easter,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 7, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
My Question of the week comes from Charles in Virginia.
“Any words of wisdom for someone traveling with their significant other? My girlfriend and I are very serious, but not yet married. There is always an awkward moment when arriving at someone’s house, especially that of an older relative, where I wonder whether I’m meant to put our bags in the same room or not. On the flip side, as a host, when is it not ok to impose your sensibilities on your guests?”
Here are my thoughts for the house guests; If the host prepares two separate spaces, you use them both. Their house, their sensibilities. One way to address the suitcase dilemma, is to stand there holding your bags and wait for the host to direct you to your room(s), which they will do eventually unless they want you to sleep in the entry way. Often a host will prepare two spaces and tactfully suggest you don’t have to use them both. When in doubt use them both!
Here are my thoughts for the host/hostesses; Your house, your sensibilities. No need to make a fuss or start citing scripture, just show them to their room(s). There is a slim chance the guests are more comfortable sleeping separately, which happens to us a lot with married couples. I provide a pillow and blankets for the comfy couch in the family room just in case. We have a large sectional couch that is famous in these parts and known as “couchasaurus,” because it is large, grey, and swallows you whole while you’re watching TV.
Any thoughts from my followers?
Thank you for visiting and I’ll have my Easter post on Wednesday.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Apr 5, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
I was fortunate to learn a valuable lesson about the opportunities presented by awkward moments during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. A hot guy moved into the neighborhood and, by some miracle, I found myself walking home from a baseball game with him. This was my chance to showcase my sparkling personality before the cheerleaders had the chance to wow him with their pom poms.
I had just heard some hilarious Helen Keller jokes at the baseball field and was regaling Hot Guy with my rapier wit. Before you judge me, this was back in the day when PC stood for popcorn. Hot Guy laughed appreciatively…then told me both his parents are deaf. Being the mature 14-year-old I was, I replied “Holy crap! You’re kidding me, right?” No, Hot Guy was not kidding me.
Over the next few years I had the privilege of becoming close friends with Hot Guy, who also turned out to be Great Football Player Guy, Very Smart Guy, and Very Nice Guy. We necked a few times but never became an item. For younger followers who aren’t following my cool lingo, just Google “neck,” “to neck,” and “necking as a gateway to heavy petting”.
In his wonderfully patient and charming way, Hot Guy taught many of his classmates to look beyond our prejudices and preconceived ideas about people who are different than we are. We attended a brand new high school where the student body was surprisingly free of racial prejudice, which was not necessarily true of all the parents. I wonder now if Hot Guy played a part in our attitude of acceptance.
So, you may ask, “Kiki, what does this have to do with hosts and house guests?” Well, if you’ll just be patient, I’ll tell you. Geez!
I have experienced many similarly awkward situations, where insensitive comments had the potential to offend. These situations were most often addressed with anger toward, or shaming of, the offender. Hot Guy taught me, by example, that overly negative responses to insensitive comments are a lost opportunity to change attitudes with grace and information. As hosts, hostesses, and guests we’re in a unique position to facilitate positive exchanges by realizing that offensive comments are often fueled by ignorance and habit, not hate. Houseguesting provides an opportunity to respectfully challenge others to appreciate the struggles of those who are different than we are.
I was a guest in Hot Guy’s home the day Elvis Presley died and we watched the coverage together on TV with his family. With tears streaming down her face, his mom signed something. Hot Guy looked at me and said, “She wishes she could have heard Elvis’ voice.” Lesson learned.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Mar 29, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Reunions
About a year ago I hosted six of my closest female friends from high school for a mini-reunion. This may have been the first time all of us had been together in one place since graduation; I know it was the first time we’d been together without the distractions of spouses, children, or other classmates.
There is something about hosting women that sends me into crazed-preparation mode. If I’m hosting a man, I might clean the toilet. If I’m hosting a woman I turn into Rosie Jetson on rocket fuel, dusting the basement rafters and detailing the cat. When did I become more concerned with the looks of my house than my own looks? Is it just me?
When you’re hosting, events tend to go by in a blur as you’re dealing with details, and that’s what happened to me with this reunion. But there are some lasting impressions.
Sorry to be cliché but, “we picked right up as though we’d never been apart,” sharing our memories, lives, and emotions. There’s something about spending your teenage years together that creates an enduring bond of familiarity.
We talked about boyfriends and spouses. We compared notes about the high school guys we dated, what they were like, why the relationships ended. Our fumblings with teenage lust and infatuation were pretty funny. Some of the lines guys used back then are really hilarious! For instance, “Don’t you just love the way skin feels on skin? Let’s pull up our shirts and touch stomachs.” Two of the ladies married their high school sweethearts, one of whom has the closest thing to a fairy tale marriage I’ve ever known. The other high school marriage lasted only a few years. We also talked about betrayal and the scars it leaves on your ability to trust going forward.
We talked about losing our parents, a discussion that led to revelations about my classmates’ childhood struggles that I didn’t know about at the time. I realized I was tremendously self-absorbed back then, and I hope that’s changed. It was fun to hear their memories of my parents, who were considered “quirky” for the times. My dad told a friend her prom dress looked just like our shower curtain. Another was made to sit on our front porch during dinner for calling him “sir” one too many times. Intellectually we all know we’re now the senior generation and next in line for the cosmic compost heap, but I don’t think any of us are really ready to accept it yet.
After all the reminiscing and catching up, we talked about motherhood. When you’re the mother of sons, your energy goes into keeping them alive until adulthood. When you’re the mother of daughters you just try not to kill them. Several of us had received calls from our sons that went like this, “Hey mom, how’s it going? Just out of curiosity, what’s my blood type?” My son actually called me once and said, “Hey mom, when do you know it’s time to go to the emergency room?”
We also talked about parenting experiences that did not end in amusing anecdotes. I was deeply touched by two of the women who were witnessing their adult children go through tragic losses, and were deeply affected by their inability to make the pain go away as they did when their kids were young.
As I sat among these friends, feeling a profound sense of wisdom and survival, I glanced up and saw one of the ladies pressing her bare butt checks against the picture window, mooning us. We laughed until Chardonnay came out our noses. Some things never change.
Thank you for visiting and I hope you’ll share comments and advice about your own reunion experiences.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | Mar 24, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
An update: I researched this question for “expert” advice. While I found a lot of information, there was very little about challenges presented by people who come to visit the Hospice patient. That’s interesting because guests have been an issue (good and bad) in almost every Hospice situation I’m familiar with.
Here’s my number one piece of advice: Don’t be a swooper! A swooper is someone who comes in and, with the best of intentions, starts giving advice and even changing things up. This is not helpful and is often a terrible burden for the caregiver who must undo what the swooper has done. It can also upset the patient who starts to question their care. JUST DON’T DO IT!
I also found some solid advice at http://www.hospicenet.org/ An example is below.
Here are six steps you can take to be an effective caregiver:
- Work and communicate effectively with the patient.
- Support the patient’s spiritual concerns.
- Help to resolve the patient’s unfinished business.
- Work with health professionals.
- Work with family and friends.
- Take care of your own needs and feelings.
Original Post from Friday: This week’s question for my visitors to respond to comes from Dee in Virginia, and is one I can relate to after having my mother as a Hospice patient in our home. As my family was going through this difficult time, hearing the wisdom of others would have been such a gift. I am grateful to Dee for giving me the chance to offer that solace to others. I look forward to your comments.
“I would love to hear your thoughts on guests that come to visit a family member who is in hospice at your home and stay to ‘help’ and wish to spend precious time with the patient. Godsend or nightmare? Advice on walking that fine line on being accommodating to relatives and taking care of yourself. Thanks”
