by Kiki Nelson | May 24, 2017 | Events, Holidays, Host, Hostess
I live near Richmond, Virginia and when folks come to visit I always suggest they visit Hollywood Cemetery. I often get the following reaction, “Ugh! Why would I want to spend time visiting a depressing cemetery?!”
Well here’s why…you dolt!
I have been to many “famous” cemeteries and none of them hold a candle to Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond. First of all it has a breathtaking location right on the James River filled with gorgeous trees, landscaping, and architecture. Many of the monuments and headstones are works of art, including a cast iron Newfoundland Dog that guards the grave of his little girl who died 150 years ago. There are numerous tours, ghost walks, and other guided activities. If nothing else, it’s a lovely walk and good exercise.
Then, there’s the history. Stay with me here.
Hollywood Cemetery is the final resting place of two presidents. Three, if you count Jefferson Davis. It’s also called the “Arlington of the South” because many of the confederate dead are buried here. A huge stone pyramid was erected in their honor. According to Time and Date, Hollywood Cemetery was a big part of the impetus for what we now celebrate as Memorial Day.
“Memorial Day started as an event to honor Union soldiers who had died during the American Civil War. It was inspired by the way people in the Southern states honored their dead. After World War I, it was extended to include all men and women who died in any war or military action.” https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/us/memorial-day
With controversy raging in the southern states about statues of confederate leaders, it’s the ideal time to understand how Hollywood Cemetery provides a profound lesson in war and its aftermath. That lesson is written on the tombstones of the men who gave their lives to the losing side. The epitaphs struggle to justify and make sense of such sacrifice and it hits you right in the gut when you read them. I get the same feeling when I visit the Vietnam War Memorial in DC.
I don’t think we should glorify the Confederacy, or any government that promoted or condoned the marginalization of human beings, but to bury the Confederacy along with its dead is a mistake. Hollywood Cemetery shows, in a visceral and poignant way, the pain left behind when anyone dies fighting a war, regardless of their uniform. Hollywood Cemetery is the epicenter of that concept and, in the broad scheme of things, every bit as important as Arlington in our Nation’s story. Just an aside…Arlington was built on the site of Confederate General Robert E. Lee’s former home.
So this Memorial Day as you grill hot dogs and hamburgers, I hope you’ll take just a moment to remember that it all started with tributes to the losers of the American Civil War. While you’re at it, explain that irony to your guests, kids, and the grandkids. Maybe even take them to a cemetery where war dead are buried.
Thank you for visiting.
Kiki
Photo attribution https://www.hollywoodcemetery.org/visit/things-to-see
by Kiki Nelson | May 17, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess
When I graduated from Syracuse University with a degree in Broadcast Journalism (please don’t use the acronym), Ted Koppel was our keynote speaker. As you can imagine, those of us in the audience from Syracuse’s Newhouse School of Journalism were thrilled to have him there and cheered wildly. He looked right at our section and said, “Thanks. But there are still no jobs for you out there.” So you’re telling me, my family invested all this money to go to a really expensive private school and THIS is my going away gift!
Turns out I was employable, but it took a lot of time, effort, and low paying jobs to get to a point where I was existing above the poverty line. I’m sure Jenna Bush is a really lovely person but I hope she’ll understand that I shudder when I see her on national television then think of myself at my first professional gig working part time for minimum wage in a former key kiosk that had been turned into an all-news radio station. “Now Kiki,” you might say. “That sounds like sour grapes.” You’re damn right it is!
But what were we talking about….ah yes, house guests and graduation.
I’ve hosted a lot of graduation parties and the house guests that come with them and here’s my take.
When your host is throwing a party, the basic rules of etiquette are just a little different. You need to understand that you are not the main attraction and that your host has a lot going on. Try to make yourself useful, but if your host turns down help, graciously fade into the background, or better yet find something to do outside of the house.
Fend for yourself as much as possible. “Please don’t bother with breakfast for us. We saw this coffee shop down the street we can’t wait to try.”
Don’t make suggestions regarding the arrangements unless you were part of the planning, this is obnoxious.
Don’t provide food unless specifically asked. Chances are there is a menu planned and your offering might screw things up.
Put all your stuff in your designated area, preferably behind a closed door.
Don’t make demands of your host. They probably don’t have time to stop and set up the ironing board for you. This has actually happened to me on several occasions. And in my house who knows where the ironing board is, do I even have an ironing board?
Our eldest niece is a good example of a handy thing to have around for a party. First of all, she’ll do whatever you ask without question. One time I handed her a pair of pants to hem. Second of all, she’s really good at getting other “helpful” guests out of your hair. “Sweetie, would you help Aunt Agnes gather some lovely flowers in that meadow ten miles away?” “Why certainly Auntie, I’d be glad to do that.” This is actually not far from the truth.
Don’t get in the way of the caterers if they have them. In my case, the “caterer” is my sister. Guests tend to treat her like she’s free to chat. She is, but wait until the food is out and she’s holding a glass of wine or cold beer…that’s your sign to approach.
Make an effort to talk to guests who seem shy or socially awkward. This is incredibly helpful to your host. You obviously have something in common to get the conversation going.
When the party is over, offer to clean up but be sure to follow the host’s instructions carefully. You don’t want to throw out the good paper plates by accident.
Getting back to Ted Koppel, try really hard to say only positive things to and about the graduate.
Things not to say:
“I’ve heard the job market is really awful.”
“How you gonna pay off all those student loans?”
“I hear they’re hiring greeters at Walmart.” Not that there’s anything wrong with this job, it’s just an overused meme.
“So you’ve moved back in with the folks? How long is that going to last?”
“Let me tell you about my wildly successful child who had a full time job with benefits even before graduation!”
Here’s my favorite: “You got a degree in Broadcast Journalism? So you’re going to work fast food, huh?”
You get the idea.
Congratulations to all the graduates and their families who read this. I wish you well. The only piece of advice I have is to keep your sense of humor. It’s even more important than your degree.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
photo attribution https://news.syr.edu/2016/05/commencement-2016-in-photos-and-video-79480/
by Kiki Nelson | May 12, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
Today’s question is prompted by an anonymous follower who says, “I’d love to hear more factual tips and tricks to hosting.”
First of all a disclaimer, I don’t claim anything on this blog is “factual” except for the address. When I do use “facts” from subject experts they are referenced, usually with a link for more information. In these days of Fake News, Alternate Facts, and Optics (whatever that means) I want to be painfully honest about the material I am disseminating.
With that said, how about some tips on Guest Accoutrements? Or Stuff to Have on Hand for House Guests. This does not include food. That’s for another post.
When my husband and I first set up housekeeping in our “garbage level” apartment, guests were lucky to get a spot on the floor and directions to McDonalds. Strangely enough we still had A LOT of company. Must have been the cable. As we matured, along with our guests, we were able to offer better accommodations.
For beginners, remember you are doing someone a favor. There is no need to go crazy with a bunch of stuff you don’t normally keep on hand and will never use again. At a minimum, you need to offer a place to sleep that is as quiet and private as you can provide along with clean linens and towels. If you cannot provide these basic things, you should let the guest know in advance so they can make arrangements. For instance they may need to bring a sleeping bag or their own pillow, and that’s OK. You should also leave a note on paper with your address, phone number, and—if you trust this guest—you internet access code.
Once you get more established (and have accumulated freebies from enough hotels) there are things you can add to that list. Here’s what Adele from Arkansas suggests:
“Provide a place for their suitcase, some empty horizontal space for them to set out their things, an empty drawer and some empty closet space with hangers, an empty small basket or two. Provide shampoo, conditioner, blow dryer, toothpaste. Have a few feminine products available just in case. Be prepared to provide just about anything—in case their luggage didn’t make it– hair brush, deodorant, new toothbrush (I always have plenty from my trips to the dentist). Have a lined and covered trash container in the bathroom (so that your dog does not get into their trash). Put a container of water and a couple of glasses in their room. Have a throw blanket handy. Be sure to ask if there is anything that they need. Make sure there is a variety of bed pillows – some folks like firm, some like soft and some need an extra pillow for their knees. If possible provide a place to sit and read in their room for when they need some peace and quiet. Provide a radio that is easy to turn on, change channel and set alarm. And, very important, provide some kind of night light so that they can safely find their way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.”
Whew. She’s good!
For the advanced host, I would add to that list: noise machine; flashlight; and brochures from local attractions.
If Adele and I have forgotten anything please let me know in the Comments section below.
Thank you for visiting and I’ll be back on Wednesday with House Guests and Graduations.
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | May 10, 2017 | Ettiquette, Holidays, Host, Hostess
My dad was unintentionally hilarious. He once asked me, in all seriousness, “Where do we keep the ice cream?” Another time he ate a bag of gerbil food at my sister’s house thinking it was granola. Google “Absent Minded Professor” and you may just find a picture of my dad looking confused. While my sainted mother was usually able to find humor in my father’s cluelessness, there were times when it wasn’t so funny.
One Mothers’ Day when my sister and I were far too young to understand the concept, my father found my mother out in the yard pulling weeds and weeping into the dandelions. When he asked her why she was upset, she informed him that it was Mothers’ Day and he’d done nothing to mark the occasion. He replied, “Well, you’re not MY mother.” They had no more children.
I assumed this male duh-factor was attributable only to my father. Then I got married.
My husband was at a work event and chatting with a young man who had recently become engaged. He told my husband the wedding was set for June of the following year. My husband replied, “My wife and I were married in June too.” The young man asked, “What date?” My husband said, “ June first.” The Young man said, “That’s today.”
So two generations of clueless men… coincidence or evidence based trend? Then I had a son.
One day when he was in college he called me from the Verizon store. “Hey Mom, (he always starts with “Hey Mom”). I need our account password to update my phone. “No, problem honey,” I replied. “The password is my birthday.” Pause… pause… pause…from my son’s end of the line. Then he says, “What do you mean it’s your birthday?” I say, “You know, the day, the month, and the year. Like you fill out on a form.” Pause…pause…pause. After a few more moments of pure evilness on my part, I let him off the hook and gave him the password. I’ve come up with far more sophisticated passwords since then, like the dog’s name or my address.
I’ve heard there are men who remember such events without being reminded by their spouses or Hallmark. Kind of like unicorns or flattering swimsuits. And I’m not saying that male spouses and offspring don’t have other attributes, like opening jars and sticking up for you in bar fights. Perhaps I just expect too much?
There was the Mothers’ Day I spent in a hot crowded emergency room tending to my own mother, then came home to find my husband, daughter, and son had redecorated the alcove in my bedroom to look like the beach houses I love. Or my first Mothers’ Day when I came home after a night shift to find my baby daughter fat, happy, and sleeping soundly. There were also flowers, but the gift that year was having a husband who could love our child and participate in her care as much as I did.
Yes, it’s the mothers, wives, and daughters who keep the wheels oiled on the social locomotive. Who do you think came up with Mothers’ Day in the first place? But when they remember, the partners in parenthood do get it right sometimes, and get it right in a big way.
As for me, my daughter and I will Skype and my son is taking me out for brunch. Might be a good idea to make reservations Bud. It’s the busiest day of the year at restaurants.
Thank you for visiting,
Kiki
by Kiki Nelson | May 5, 2017 | Ettiquette, Host, Hostess, Question of the Week
Question of the week…
The Question of the Week is from Diane, “How do I not offend guests who don’t want to use pronouns that we are used to using (they prefer gender neutral pronouns) It is very difficult for me not to say him or her and it feels very awkward to use they when it is only one person.”
As long as we’re talking grammar, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to that wonderful first-year English teacher who put up with my shenanigans for a full year. I think she also managed to teach me a little grammar in spite of myself. But please don’t check too closely.
One day in Seventh grade she was diagraming sentences and I got bored. So I decided to time how long I could hold my leg out straight in front of me under my desk. We had one of those huge clocks with a sweep hand. After about ten minutes, she looked straight at me and said, “Perhaps we could concentrate on our thigh muscles later?” This of course is waaaaaay less embarrassing than when one of my best friends was waiting for the bell to ring so she could pass gas. Unfortunately the bell did not drown out her fart but highlighted it. Kind of like a cymbal crash. I never use first and last names without specific permission, so I will refrain from using that sainted teacher’s name. But if you’re out there and read this, I sure would love to hear from you.
According to the Oxford Dictionary: Pronouns are used in place of a noun that has already been mentioned or that is already known, often to avoid repeating the noun. For example:
Kate was tired so she went to bed.
Michael took the children with him.
Kieran’s face was close to mine.
That is a good idea.
Anything might happen.
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/grammar/pronouns
So here’s my take; according to Oxford, Webster, and my seventh grade English teacher, the use of gender-specific pronouns is still acceptable. So I think it’s still OK to use them without feeling homophobic. As I have said before, it would be a much more hospitable nation if folks just assumed that the vast majority of people in the United States do not mean to offend with their speech or any other action. To correct someone for an accepted pattern of speech may actually do more harm to a cause than good, and bolster negative stereotypes. It might be better to concentrate efforts on bigger fish such as overt or covert discrimination.
Here’s an example; a very good friend of mine has a daughter with Down’s syndrome. This friend is also a Special Education teacher. When our state’s legislature was considering a bill that would replace all references of “retarded” in state code with more politically correct terms, I asked how she felt about it. She said, “I don’t care what they call her, just fund the programs to help her!”
There is no question that some words need to work themselves out of our language. This has already happened in my lifetime and it’s a good thing. But I’m not sure pronouns are the place to start and I’m not sure shaming and embarrassing people is the way to do it.
Please feel free to agree or disagree with me in the comments section below.
Thank you for visiting.
Kiki
